(beep…boop…beep….beep…..boop)
(swish)
Kirk: There you are, Ensign. Status report.
(swish)
Ensign: Yes, Captain. It’s been three weeks since we were granted permission to engage the Abdominals.
Kirk: Yes, yes. I know. The stitches…have…fully……disintegrated. Get on with it, Man!
Ensign: The enemy Fat Globules have sustained extensive damage, sir. They are dropping in numbers. We’ve received a report that they’re down from 218 LB’s and are holding at 209.
Kirk: Spock. What do you make of this?
Spock: Fascinating, Captain. It is reasonable to assume that our Away Team has successfully burned the first wave of Calories. We are on target to goal and may arrive at our Starbase Checkpoint somewhat ahead of schedule.
Kirk: Good work, Ensign. You….are…dismissed.
(swish….swish)
(beep…boop…beep……..bleep!..bleep!..bleep!..bleep!)
Sulu: Captain! There’s a blip on this blooping thing.
Kirk: Uhura. Scan...for...subspace.......communications.
Uhura: None, sir. I can’t hear a thing.
Kirk: Chekov. On-screen. Magnify.
Chekov: Djyes, Kyptain.
(gasps)
McCoy: Good God, Man! What…is it!
Kirk: Report!
Sulu: It appears to be the Green Menace, sir.
Kirk: The Green Menace! Spock. I thought we’d seen…the…last of them. Why are they…here.….now?
Spock: Well, Captain, it seems only logical to assume that we have arrived in this sector of the galaxy during their yearly spawn.
Uhura: Captain, they’re hailing us. Shall I respond?
Kirk: NO! NO! Quickly—turn off all the lights and duck! Maybe they won’t see us and they’ll…just….go….away.
Uhura: Captain. They’re hailing us again.
Kirk: Shhh! Stay quiet. Maybe they’ll…think….we’re on……an away mission.
Chekov: Kyptain! Zey hyve a Samoa!!
Spock: Curious. And scanners are detecting Thin Mints in their torpedo bays.
Kirk: Sulu. Get us out here. I don’t want to find out if they’re carrying….any…milk.
Sulu: Yes, Captain.
(Woo-Oooh!, Woo-Oooh!)
Sulu: Engines are non-responsive. They must have us locked in a tractor beam.
Kirk: Scotty—all power to the engines.
Scotty: I’m givin’ her all she’s got, Capt’n!
Kirk: Bones! Bones! Tell me…how…do we detract…from…the…Green Menace?
McCoy: I’m a doctor, Jim. Not a nutritionist!
Spock: Perhaps we could deploy diversionary tactics, Captain.
Kirk: Yes! Chekov, do we…still….have that cache of popcorn in…cargo bay 2?
Chekov: Affyurmative, Kyptain.
Kirk: Uhura, ready the olive oil spray.
Uhura: Ready, Captain.
Kirk: Do we have any more of that garlic salt?
Spock: Indeed, Captain. I see where you’re going with this. The outcome should be most favorable.
Kirk: Chekov, Sulu, Uhura, Spock, on my mark…….
Sulu: Wait, is it ON “mark”; or “mark” and THEN go. Because I’m always a little confused about when to actually go.
Uhura: It’s “mark” and THEN go.
Spock: It is correct to deduce from a grammatical standpoint that “on my mark” refers to going ON the mark.
Chekov: Kyptain?
Kirk: Okay. Nevermind. On the count of three. One…two….
Sulu: Is it ON “three”, or “three” and then go?
Uhura: It’s always “one, two, three”, then GO.
Sulu: Oh. Because I always did “one, two” GO.
Uhura: No, that would be on two.
McCoy: My God, Jim! What are you waiting for? We’re so close I can smell that damned chewy caramel.
Kirk: Fire weapons!
(ptshoo….ptshoo…..….ptshoo…ptshoo )
Kirk: HOLD ON....EVERYONE! Geez. You’d think we would’ve installed....seat belts...by now.
Spock: The tractor beam is disengaging.
Scotty: We’ve got farwa’rd engines agin, Capt’n!
Kirk: That was a close one.
Spock: A very logical move, Captain. Air-popped popcorn only has 15 calories per cup. That is a measurement of popped corn, of course.
Chekov: So you cyan eat as much as you want, Kyptain?
Kirk: Yes. It’s…..a….very….satisfying…..diversion.
Bones: I’m no dietitian, Jim, but with the zero-calorie olive oil spray and low-sodium California-style garlic salt, you've managed to whip up a pretty satisfying bedtime snack there.
Uhura: No sign of lingering cravings, sir.
Kirk: Good work. Set a course…for….bed.
(beep…boop…beep….beep…..boop)
1 comment:
Amazing! :)
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