Can You Tone Down the Happy?

When I was working at a salon, a regular customer called to book an appointment. After bubbling my greeting and asking about her morning, she said, "Diane. Can you tone down the happy? I haven't had my coffee yet." This, of course, prompted my full-throttle laughter which probably left her wishing she'd had a triple espresso before she called.

So I apologize. I don't mean to be annoyingly nice. And you're probably wondering if I can just be fat and depressed for once instead of always looking on the bright side.

Not to worry. Before you go and join Annoying Happy People Need a Slap @ Facebook.com, let me assure you that I am positive that the day will soon come when you will be reading a rant about how stupid vegetables are.

I've lost a lot of days to depression. Weeks and months, really, if you add them up. I just don't like to be depressed. It's fairly depressing. And the more I realize how depressing I'm being, the more depressed I become. It's a vicious cycle. And if I've learned anything, it's that I don't want to have to learn the same lessons over again after I've already learned them twice. Or thrice. Or when it comes to food, quice. Or is it fice? Or fourice? English is stupid.

Is there a Facebook group for that? (pause. ctrl+n. typing, typing, typing.) Hm. There is. English Is Stupid @ Facebook.com.

So not to worry. I’m normal. Well. At least I’m not abnormal. Did you know that there is no set scientific definition for normal? The only way we can define normal is by defining things that are not normal. Science is also stupid.

See also: Science Is Stupid @ Facebook.com

So anyway, I just want to let you know that sometimes I’m nice just for spite.

—–

Like this one time when I was training the staff at a Seattle cosmetics counter. A woman came in wanting a foundation for her vacation to Hawaii. I showed her what we had and she told me that the one she bought in Hawaii on her last vacation wasn’t there. I explained that the full line was represented and that these were the only colors we had. She told me I was wrong.

Trying to be a good customer service provider, I went along with her and suggested that perhaps one of our international lines was sold in Hawaii but not available stateside. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was an idiot.

By this time, the whole team was trying to be inconspicuous by hiding behind the other register which was situated behind a large support column that surprisingly hid 4 women behind it.

Knowing that I had 8 very wide eyes on me, waiting for my next move, I thought I could dazzle her with my rank and corporate title. I told her who I was and pulled out not only the inventory sheet but also the training booklet that listed all of the colors available. My now-nemesis clearly did not understand that I was right and that she was wrong and started in with the personal insults.

Now, not only was my entire team holding their breath, waiting for my next move; there was a gaggle of other employees gathering at the Tommy Hilfiger fragrance counter to listen in. So I decided to cut my losses and gracefully excuse her from my counter. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to help you find what you’re looking for. I wish you luck in finding your color when you get to Hawaii.”

“I want the free gift with purchase.” Damnable opponent. She was good.

Deep breath. “Okay. What else do you need for your vacation? I’m sure we can find something so that you can get your free gift. Will you be needing sunscreen?”

Stupid sunscreen.

“Why do you think I want a dark colored foundation? I’m going there to get a tan.” She informed me once again as to just exactly how lacking I was in the intellectual department. I was beginning to agree with her.

“Well why don’t we just look around and see if there’s something you can use.”

“How much do you have to spend to get the gift?”

“$25.50.”

“Well I don’t want to spend more than $26.” At least she narrowed it down for me.

I lined up all of the products in her price range on the counter and after much scrutiny, the woman finally chose a lotion. All I had to do was ring her up. Please, please don’t let her credit card be declined.

I was almost in the clear. And then it hit me. I could call “checkmate”. I reached into my pocket and pulled out one of the mini nail polish sets that I usually use as employee recognition. With all the sickeningly sweet saccharine-coated niceness I could formulate, I said, “You know, it seems like you’re having a tough day today. Here’s some fun toenail polish for your vacation. I hope you have a good time.”

She was silent. I knew I had won. Evil laughter rang out in my head. “Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

She started crying.

She grabbed her bag, flustered with her purse, then looked me in the eye and said, “Thank you.” With tears streaming down her face, she practically ran out of the store.

Although the team behind the column thought I was amazing, and the store manager congratulated me, and I got a pocketful of Tommy Hilfiger fragrance samples from some new comrades across the aisle, I felt awful.

I learned a very important lesson that day. I have to remember that no matter how terrible my day is, someone else may be going through something worse.

—–

I had another customer call me at the salon. She ripped me a new one and then started in with the personal insults because she was unhappy with her service. After patiently listening to her screaming and swearing at me, I smiled and told her with a little half-giggle that everything was okay and that we’d be more than happy to have her come in to re-do her hair.

“This is not a laughing matter!” she spat at me.

“Well, with the way you’re treating me right now,” I calmly told her, “I could laugh or I could cry. I choose to laugh.”

There was a moment of dead silence. I was afraid she’d hung up on me and that the owner would shortly get a call. But then I heard a soft voice. “I’m sorry. I have been pretty awful.”

I shared with her my little lesson-learned. “It’s okay. I just figured you’re having a much worse day than I am.”

She laughed. “You know, I like that. Today does suck. I think I’ll try laughing.”