Death and Chocolate

Hello there World!

My life took a big turn last year when I found myself rather unexpectedly knocking at Death's door. And I was a little worried because I was not standing there with Girl Scout cookies.

The funny thing is that I was expecting some sort of cathartic pre-death warning if my body was in dire straights. Or at least feel like I was dying. It sounds a bit naive now, but even as I was sitting in the ER listening to the doctor tell me that I was very lucky, I didn't really get it. "Blood clots, hmm..." I thought. "Okay. What do we do to fix it?"

I suppose that was just the right attitude to get me through. It wasn't until much, much later that I realized just how close I was to leaving. Not that I believe death is a bad thing. I just would've missed you all. :)

Looking back, the hardest part wasn't facing my own demise. The hard part came with losing a friend while I was in the hospital. My heart kept seeing her smile and her sparkling eyes and I thought about what her husband and son were going through. I knew that she had loved her life and the people in it. And whenever I began to feel fearful about what my family and friends would go through if they lost me, I recalled how she had loved more completely than most people will allow themselves to do. And through my sadness and my fear, she gave me reassurance that life is good. And you just have to let go and love.

So I'm sending out all of my love to you. (Insert big hug here.)

Giving love unconditionally has always come naturally for me. But accepting it is sometimes hard. Even harder is loving myself without feeling guilty about not being perfect. So that's why I'm here. I'm learning to love myself without stipulations. And for whatever crazy reason--because I can't even keep up with my Facebook status--I've decided to share my adventures in this blog. A friend of mine has inspired me to share my journey and to accept encouragement.

So, here's where I'm at: I'm pushing 40, unemployed, totally broke, living with my parents, and 65 lbs. overweight. And I'm happier than I've ever been.

I've been able to recover without worrying about rent. I've been able to spend quality time with my family. I'm reconnecting with my friends. I get to have meals in bed. I take time to read vampire novels. And I get to eat popcorn and watch zombie movies with my sweetheart--almost every night!

And, as I believe there is a time for everything, I got to be fat!! For 5 whole months I wasn't allowed to exercise. So I took advantage and ate brownie batter and 4-layer chocolate cake and Lindt truffles without feeling any remorse. I packed 15 lbs. on top of the 50 I'd already gained in graduate school. And I enjoyed every last chocolate sprinkle!

And when my lungs were working again and my stitches were out and I had the green light to start exercising again, I decided that I'm done being fat and I'm going to be healthy.

There's a life lesson in there somewhere. :)

So here's my first big goal: Lose 50 lbs. in 6 months by creating healthy habits.

Game plan: Eat less. Move more.

Tool #1: thedailyplate.com (This is a free calorie-tracking program on Lance Armstrong's Live Strong site. It's quick and easy and best of all--FREE!) Instead of just recording what I ate and then feeling terrible when I go over my daily calorie goal, I use it to pre-plan meals and learn about my eating habits.

Tool #2: Exercise videos! I unpacked the stack of videos--yes, VCR videos--from all of the times I was eating Ben and Jerry's out of the carton in the middle of the night watching infomercials. I also dug out my mom's videos. I get to throw aside my compulsive organizational tendencies and just pick out a different workout each day. And best of all--two words for you--80's music. Oh yeah. I highly encourage you to hit the video workout section at your local thrift store. There's nothing like Pat Benetar and leg warmers to get you smiling in the morning.

Tool #3: Motivation. As soon as I hit "Publish" on this thing, I'm going to have all of you. Thanks!!!