Bacterial Infections and Other Handy Weightloss Tricks

I kept thinking that if I could only contract mononucleosis, I could lose some weight fast! All I have to do is go around drinking out of soda cans left behind by teenagers. Two words, Hellgate High. They have a lovely courtyard with street access; so I could sneak in, raid the garbage, then catch a funky foreign film downtown to let the bacteria settle in.

Of course, then I found out that mono really isn't such a good diet plan for people over 35 or people who aren't in good health. And I must say that it was a bit of a bummer realizing that I fit both categories. Although I don't need to worry about side effects like inflamed testicles (yikes, though), I am not so sure about the rupturing spleen, facial paralysis, or uncoordinated movement. I already suffer from two of those on occasion. So mono was out.

As it turns out, I was apparently aiming at too high an aspiration with mono-related fatigue; so I lowered my focus and inspired a bladder infection instead. Go bacteria!! There's nothing like your pee making you want to fall on the floor of the bathroom and cry to motivate you to drink a lot of water. Oh yeah! Feel the burn!!

Did you know that one of the biggest factors leading to bladder infections is "Being Female"? (Another factor is being uterus-free. Wha?) And another thing--the antibiotics required often trigger a yeast infection!! You know, I'd love to see men getting bladder infections and yeast infections and the like--simply because they are "Being Male." Ah, the ease of outdoor plumbing. Just once I'd like to be able to write my name in the snow without having to go to the pharmacy afterward.

So on the bright side, I had the great advantage of a superb motivation to stop drinking soda. The loss of appetite was also handy, and I had the joy of bright orange pee all week. (The medicine that numbs things also gives you neon toilet time.) Woohoo! I certainly invite plenty of excitement into my life.

Now, as theories go, I keep hearing about how much weight people lose when they stop drinking soda. If I were to be going to AA meetings, it would be for my soda addiction. I was clean for a whole month back in 2001......

You know, it starts out innocently enough. When we were kids, we looked forward to Taco Night because that was the only time we could drink soda at home. (And, well, TACOS, hello.)

We also got sodas when we ate out, but this was back when people only went to town once a month. Growing into my teenage years, I had the freedom to spend my babysitting money on sodas and candy bars after school. And in college, I got to drink as much as I wanted when I was at work flinging pizzas. But it was retail that got me truly hooked.

Every day about 3:00pm we'd all crash. (If you're headed to the department store in search of customer service, avoid the 3:00 hour because everyone there is half-awake.) So it was soda and Oprah at 3:00 in the break room. Then I started touring about--and as I've mentioned, I did an awful lot of driving. I quickly found that when you drink a liter of water, you have to stop to find a bathroom every hour. But if you drink a 32oz soda from a drive-thru, you become so caffeinated and dehydrated that you don't have to go at all! It also kept me awake when I had to drive for 10 hours and then work for another 6. Yeah caffeine!

I only kept a 2-liter around the house and did enjoy a glass or two after work--you know--just while I was cooking dinner. And eating dinner. And watching TV. And reading. And taking a shower. (You think I'm joking.)

And I don't much care for coffee, so I'd just grab a soda in the morning on the way to work. And then one at lunch. And then one at 3:00. And then I'd head to the quickie-mart for another bottle for dinner.

THEN I went to graduate school and decided to get 2 degrees while I spent the summer working 80 hours a week wrangling summer campers. I upgraded to the 12-packs and downed about 8 cans a day. Now, granted, most of that was Pepsi One, but still--not good.

So now I'm in a household where Costco volume is stored in the basement and soda is plentiful and flavors abound. BIG temptation. I was drinking about 3 a day when I was up and around after surgery. And now that I'm trying to watch what I eat, I was aiming for 1 a day.

But hey! Ye olde infection of the bladder has freed me of my addiction. So now I can see what life is like soda-free.

It's been seven days and I've only had a half a Pepsi One. (I feel like I'm in a confessional.)

"Bless me, Father, for I have consumed 6oz of diet soda."

"Drink 3 glasses of water, my child, and brush your teeth."