It's All In The Math

Diets suck.

Sure—you can get fast results. But you’ve got to eat celery without any ranch or give up carbs or reduce sugar or eat approved frozen dinners or drink cayenne-maple-lemon water. And then comes the Easter Bunny tucking chocolate eggs under your pillow at night. (I’m sure that’s how all of those wrappers ended up on my bedside table.)

So after choking down a gallon of cabbage soup and losing a quick 10 lbs, how do you cope with the real world?

I’ve lost weight before using all of these diets. And I’ve gained it all back as soon as I stopped dieting. I find myself searching for a magic pill or a super-human piece of exercise equipment or the perfect eating plan to make weight loss faster and easier and less work.

It’s so tempting right now to go on some extreme eating plan—even for a week—so that I can turbo-boost myself out of the 200 lb. range. “It’s just a kick-start,” I tell myself. But it isn’t going to solve anything. I’ll just go to Taco Bell the day after and munch down a 730 calorie Grilled Stuffed Burrito with the 330 calorie nachos that come with the value meal and a diet soda, of course, because I just ate a thousand calories for lunch. And I’m back where I started.

Or I could do one of those plans where you eat the food that’s provided—they really are economical and effective. But I’ve done that, too, and had no idea what to do when I started cooking for myself. (Have I mentioned that my car knows the way to Taco Bell on its own?)

So I’ve decided not to diet anymore. I’ve got to change the way I interact with food. I’ve got to change my habits. I’ve got to care for my body.

After doing a bit of research on the internet, I have determined that I can speed up my weight loss if I will: a) eat less and/or b) move more.

However, as I am already eating less--trying to maintain about 1500-1600 calories a day--I can't really eat less than less because it'll throw my body into starvation mode and it'll start converting everything into fat. Gotta mix it up a little with the food, you know. Keep my body guessing.

So that leaves me with move more. Which I could certainly do without complications. And so, after a great deal of Googling, I have determined that I CAN actually speed up my weight loss and remain true to my goals. All I needed was a little math.

(See—you’ve always said that you didn’t know why you had to take so much math in school. Now here you’re going to be amazed at how useful it is!)

On average, you have to burn 3500 calories to lose 1 pound.

3500x = 1y

Jumping rope burns about 700 calories per hour.

700c = 60m

So, if I jump rope for 5 hours per day, I can lose 1 pound per day…

(5f) 700g = 3500z and ( 3500z) 7purple = like way more

Resulting in 7 pounds per week.

Poundage+7 = (poundage + a) ^ {cheese%-@g}= 1rpm pound /day

Viola!! So, all I have to do is jump rope for 5 hours a day and I’ll be back into my size 12’s by…um…let’s see….

(5+xn)12sz+sugarfree jell-0+nn-7x2diet soda =June

Yes. By mid-June.

Well, the numbers don’t lie. Jumping rope it is.